A “Moses Moment”, revisited…

Posted: October 18, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

There are all sorts of reasons to feel inadequate. One of the main reasons is that you are! There are situations in many of our lives that are frankly too much for anyone in the whole world, so it’s OK to look at it and say, “Here I am, Lord…send somebody else.” Of course there might not be anyone else to send, and then you have to decide what to do. This is a Moses Moment!

– Jill Briscoe, Here I Am, Lord…Send Somebody Else!

I read this book years ago, and it has never moved far from my consciousness. Feelings of inadequacy were my prime driver for many years, before Christ called me back to Him, and showed me how to become satisfied in myself, in Him. (and that has made all the difference!) I used to kill myself to excel, unable to honestly judge my work on its own merit, instead depending upon the opinions of others to determine my worth; if they said I did poorly, it confirmed my private evaluation, but if they said I did well, I was relieved for the moment, but the blush fades oh so quickly…and now there is an expectation that the next effort will meet or exceed the last, and so the pressure mounts before the task is even begun. It’s no wonder to me that I turned to every drug, distraction and diversion the world has to offer, in an attempt to drown out the misery and make believe I felt good about myself; the wonder is that by grace God kept me around, that He had something for me to do…whether I thought  I could do it or not. I resolved to submit, to accept any opportunity to serve that came along…but I  reserved the right to decide when I would be sufficiently “ready” to do that thing, because surely God only wanted my best, not the best I can do right now. I wouldn’t bring a lame offering, so why a lame effort? And this kept me on the bench, out of danger…and unsatisfied.

About a year ago, I went on a three day spiritual retreat, looking for an experience, and got an answer instead, from a totally unexpected direction. I wanted God to tell me exactly what He had in mind for me, to spell it out so I could go and be the best servant He ever saw. I needed to know what to do so I could go get ready, because getting ready is my specialty…I can prepare like nobody’s business, as long as I never have to perform. But what He told me, through the men I heard and shared with that weekend, was that the only thing I was not ready to do was give up my sin of pride, disguised as false humility…by saying, “I’ll do it God, but not yet, I’m not ready,” I was saying that I knew my heart better than He did, that I was more worthy to judge than He, that I was a better God for me than He was. By grace, He allowed me to leave that sin behind that weekend, to go from “I’m getting ready,” to “I am ready, because of You.” I have to admit, it’s a big relief to not be responsible for my results, but only my obedience. That is the biggest part of what I am writing about, of what this book said to me then. But there is one other thing, something it says to me now, something that ties into another post here recently.

Scroll back to the top, and read the last two sentences again…I’ll wait.

It says, “sometimes”, and it says, “then you have to decide”. These are important qualifiers, and I get overwrought when I forget this part. I forget that not everything is a calling, or at least not MY calling. I don’t need to jump headlong, hoping this is IT…when IT comes I will know. I do think that we each should pray, meditate upon the Word, and search ourselves when something does come around, and have an idea if we would be willing or able to respond. That’s what I have been doing, working out what I think God might require of me, and counting the cost…so that, if there is no one else, I will know how to decide what to do. It’s not a Moses Moment if someone else is sent, but it is my nature to rehearse for it, so my “Here I am!” will not be timid or fearful. I am not worthy, by my own rights, but I can accept that, as C.S. Lewis put it in The Weight of Glory: “If God is satisfied with the work, the work may be satisfied with itself.”

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings I may have created. Thanks to all who reached out, and reminded me of how great God really is.

Following hard after Him,

Comments are closed.